Thursday, August 30, 2018

Middle Child Hairdon'ts

I have Category 5 bed head.
     This is what my hair looks like when I wake up every morning. I realize this is not an exclusively Middle Child phenomenon. I know that many others face similar coif catastrophes each day. But this is a Middle Child’s blog after all, and I want to stay on point. So I feel it’s important to focus on those Middle Children who hold a very special place in the Bad Hair Hall of Shame. In fact, they are some of the most legendary superstars of the follicle follies, taking the pursuit of the hirsute to hair-raising new heights. In many cases, literally.
     It kind of makes perfect sense when you think about it. I mean, what an easy way to grab attention. With the stroke of a brush, or perhaps a comb, it’s like saying, “Look at me,” without even saying a word.
     Here are just some of the many Middle Children who know how to make every day a bad hair day.


Hair Force One - Donald Trump:
you would think our Middle Child
in Chief gets enough attention. 
Judging from his hair, apparently not.

Spear Head - Britney Spears:
when it comes to seeking attention with
your hair, sometimes less is more.

The King of Bad Hair - Don King: 
the original heavyweight champion
of hair. At the height of his career,
his hair was, too.

Crazy Train Coif - Kelly Osbourne: 
when your dad once bit the head off a
bat, doing weird stuff with your hair
is mild by comparison.

Hair Apparent - Kim Jong Un:
Donald Trump’s BFF has had
hundreds of people executed since
taking power in 2011. His hair stylist
must have been one of them.

Wigging Out - Nicki Minaj:
her vast collection of attention grabbing 
wigs runs the gamut, from rainbow striped to leopard spotted.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Profiles in Middledom: #1 in a series

A new Smack Dab Blog series, featuring Middle Children (real-life or otherwise) who have earned their place in the pantheon of birth order oblivion.

          I think most people would agree, Jan Brady was the most memorable TV Middle Child ever. Her classic “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” is not only the quintessential Middle Child TV moment, but a universal rallying cry for Middle Children everywhere. But who was the greatest movie Middle Child of all time? This is a question I am often asked. Okay, no one has ever asked me that, but if someone ever does, I am ready with my answer: Fredo Corleone.
          The Middle son of Vito Corleone, a.k.a Don Corleone -- the Godfather, Fredo wasn’t born with the bravado and balls of older brother Santino (Sonny), or the brains and blind ambition of younger brother Michael. He’s also not very good with a gun. When Sollozzo and the Tattaglia's attempt to assassinate Don Corleone, Fredo is with him. He doesn’t even get a shot off, and is left sobbing on the curb. Not exactly your prototypical tough guy. It’s no wonder, then, that when their father steps down as head of “The Family,” it’s Michael who assumes control. Poor Fredo. Nobody gives him the respect he feels he deserves.
          Not Moe Greene:

          Not Michael:

          Not even his drunken wife:

          So Fredo does what any self disrespecting Middle Child would do. He looks for anyone who will pay some attention to him. When he's approached by Johnny Ola on behalf of arch-rival Hyman Roth asking for help in working out a deal with Michael between Roth’s organization and the Corleone family, Fredo’s all in. Okay, so who knew they were really trying to kill Michael? Ooops. When confronted by his brother, Fredo finally erupts in a flurry of frustration and fury that is Middle Child movie magic:

          “The Godfather” and “The Godfather II” won a ton of awards. Marlon Brando won Best Actor in 1973 at the 45th Academy Awards, and famously refused to accept. James Caan (Sonny), Robert Duvall (Tom Hagen), and Al Pacino (Michael) were all nominated for Best Supporting Actor. In 1975, Pacino won the Best Actor Oscar and Robert De Niro (Young Vito Corleone) snagged a Best Supporting Actor statue. Lee Strasberg (Hyman Roth) was also nominated in the same category. Even Michael V. Gazzo (Frank Pentangeli) was nominated, and I guess you can see where this is going. Yes, Fredo (John Cazale) was totally overlooked.

See more memorable Middle Child Moments: “Middle Child Masterpiece Theater

Monday, August 13, 2018

Surviving P.M.C.D.T.S.D.

          I could barely find the strength to write this post today. I am, like millions of other Middle Children, trying to recover from another psychologically bruising, emotionally draining Middle Child’s Day. Once again the day has taken its toll, leaving me to deal with the crushing aftermath: a severe case of Post Middle Child’s Day Traumatic Stress Disorder. Coupled with chronic Middle Child Syndrome, my post Middle Child’s Day malaise is palpable.
          You’d think after all these years I would know not to get my hopes up. But still, there’s that little voice in my head, deep in the middle of my brain, that says to me, “Maybe this year will be different. This year, people will actually... care.” Then, it’s August 12, and reality sinks in. The jokes:

          The insults:

          The self-loathing:

          And of course, the neglect:

          I search for answers, but only have myself to blame. I allowed myself to believe that my efforts to raise awareness for Middle Child’s Day were actually making a difference. After all, I was interviewed by the Today Show. HLN. Even some show in New Zealand. I was on the radio. I was in New York Magazine. “People are paying attention,” I foolishly believed. Surely I was making progress. My spirits were actually buoyed when I saw “Happy Middle Child’s Day” hashtags appearing with great frequency on our namesake day. But any hint of a wind was knocked out of my sails when I found out what was actually trending on Twitter: #WorldElephantDay. Really!? Even elephants get more attention than black sheep!?
          I had hit rock bottom. But why should I even care anymore? It’s been widely reported that Middle Children are going extinct, so why am I wasting my time? Maybe I should just call it a day and close up shop. Then, a headline pops up on my news feed:

Wait, what? “Don’t believe them,” warns the middle voice in my head. Then, another headline:

And just like that, the International Middle Children Union is back in business.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

NEW Middle Child's Day Cards: Not available at ANY store. Big surprise.

          It's never been easier to make a Middle Child not feel overlooked and forgotten. Just share this post, or click on an image to download and send. Whatever you do, do it now -- before you forget! 

See cards from previous years here, here, & here.

Check out the selection of Middle Child apparel at the Smack Dab Shop. (NO WAY it will be here in time for Middle Child's Day, but beggars can't be choosers. We'll just be glad you remembered.)

Monday, August 6, 2018

Our 1st (and maybe last) State of the Union Address.

     As Middle Child's Day approaches, it's time to evaluate the state of our union. And while I hate to play the Grinch who stole Middle Child's Day, I have to admit -- these are not the best of times for Middle Children...