Friday, March 10, 2017

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

ON THIS DAY IN 1876...

Middle Child Alexander Graham Bell receives U.S patent No. 174,465
giving other Mid Kids a whole new way to be ignored and forgotten.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

ON THIS DAY IN 1953...

Scientists discover the double helix structure of DNA.
No explanation for Middle Child Syndrome is found.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

An Open Letter to President Trump

From the desk (a.k.a. kitchen counter) of the Union Founder

        Dear President Trump,
               I am writing to you not as a Republican or Democrat, or as a supporter or detractor. Not from the left or the right, but from the middle.

               I am writing to you as a fellow Middle Child.

               As the founder of the International Middle Child Union, I have made it my mission to advocate for Middle Child rights, help find a cure for the dreaded Middle Child Syndrome, and reverse negative Middle Child stereotypes. But I have to be honest with you, Mr. President -- you’re not making my job any easier. I mean, I get it with the whole seeking attention thing -- believe me. I started a Middle Child union, for god sakes! Any Middle Child worth their salt understands the constant need to be in the limelight. But you’re getting attention 24/7 now. When I was elected Vice President of my middle school Student Council, that satisfied my need for attention until, like, high school. You’re the leader of the free friggin’ world!! People stand when you come into a room. They salute you. You even get your own song. That should be enough attention to last a lifetime. Your non-stop attention grabbing is making it even harder for the rest of us to get any, so maybe you can dial it back a notch?

               Also, you’re certainly not the first Middle Child who’s felt the need to strike back as hard as you can at anyone who you perceive is trying to disrespect or embarrass you. One time when my older brother humiliated me in front of a group of his friends, I kicked him as hard as I could in his nuts. Sure, that shut him up for a while, but it’s nothing I’m proud of, and it certainly wasn’t a sustainable solution. Neither are your Twitter tantrums and name calling and lashing out at people who disagree with you. You’re on the world stage, not on my driveway playing basketball with my brothers friends. I respectively suggest you take a more dignified, diplomatic approach. Ball bashing is not the answer. I’m sure my brother agrees with me.

               Finally, please stop worrying so much about TV ratings or how many people voted for you or how big the crowd was at your inauguration. When I was in seventh grade, a classmate had his Bar Mitzvah on the same day as mine. Do you think I cared if more people went to his party than mine? You bet your ass I did!! But I was 13 years old. You’re 70! When people see how much that kind of stuff still bothers you, it just reinforces the image of the insecure, overly sensitive Middle Child. You have to set an example, and show them we’re better than that, even if we’re really not.

               I know you’re not a big fan of constructive criticism, but I hope you will take these comments to heart. Future generations of Middle Children are counting on it.
                                                             Bruce Hopman
                                                             Founder, International Middle Child Union

P.S. I see you’re busy signing a lot of executive orders lately. How about one acknowledging Middle Child’s Day? (It’s August 12, FYI.) Think about it. Thanks.

Reports of huge turnout for my classmate's Bar Mitzvah party were overrated. Fake news. Sad.
From my vantage point, there were at least 8,000 people at my party.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Keeping Tabs on our new Middle Child-in-Chief.

     The 45th President of the United States has been sworn in, and a little less than one-quarter of Americans couldn't be happier. A little more than one-quarter, not so much. As for the other half who didn’t even bother to vote... who knows what they’re feeling. But the people have sort of spoken, and Donald Trump is our Middle Child-in-Chief.
     It’s been more than two decades since a Middle Child was President, when the first George Bush was in the Oval Office until 1993. In fact, Mr. Trump will be the 23rd Mid Kid elected, or 24th if you count George Washington. (George was the first born of his father's second marriage, but had two older half brothers.) That means between 52% -54% of American Presidents were Middle Children. But it’s safe to say we’ve never had one like this before.
     Throughout the primary and general election campaigns, candidate Trump’s Middle Child antics were off the charts, featuring repeated name calling, insults, mocking, claims of bias, charges of favoritism, and assorted overall whining. During the transition and first days of his administration, these classic Middle Child moves show no signs of letting up. It’s the kind of behavior that could not only be considered Middle Child-ish, but just downright childish. And to make matters worse, Mr. Trump’s closest adviser also has glaring Middle Child issues. That’s right, new chief White House strategist and senior counselor Stephen Bannon is a Mid Kid, too. Big surprise. A double dose of Middle Child Syndrome in the White House. Just what we needed. Lucky us. (Lucky U.S.?)
     But have no fear, America -- the International Middle Child Union is on the case. Today, we introduce the International Middle Child Union Presidential Middle Child Behavior Monitoring
System, or I.M.C.U.P.M.C.B.M.S. for short. Let’s be clear -- this isn’t about policy or partisanship.
After all, I’m not a political pundit. I’m a Middle Child advocate! My focus will be to analyze Presidential tweets and tantrums from a purely Middle Child perspective, then rate their Middle Childish-ness using my patented Middle Finger scale: one Middle Finger for borderline Middle Child behavior, three for serious signs of Middle Child Syndrome, all the way to five Middle Fingers for severe Middle Child meltdowns.
     From the looks of things, we’re gonna have our fingers full!

Name-calling: a standard Middle Child defense mechanism.
Middle Children don't respond particularly well to being mocked.
Middle Child 101: when in doubt, play the "no fair!" card.
"Oh, sure, you want me to take back the drone you don't want!"
Feeling wronged and cheated is a Middle Child's birthright.
Middle Children aren't used to winning, so it can be hard
to handle, as this trio of Tweets demonstrates.