Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Forgotten Middle Child of Award Shows: the 2014 Middie Awards.

Slip into your sister’s hand-me-down gown, button up your brother’s old tux, and roll out the second-hand red carpet. It’s time for the 2014 Middie Awards! The Middies are a celebration of Middle Child-ish behavior, honoring the best (or is that worst) in attention seeking antics. This year’s winners have taken the art of spotlight seeking to the highest (or is that lowest) levels, earning the right to get the finger -- the prestigious Golden Middle Finger statuette.
So, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2014 Middie Awards!

ENHANCE YOUR AWARD SHOW EXPERIENCE WITH THESE OFFICIAL MIDDIE AWARDS AUDIO TRACKS!!







The "All in a Day's Twerk" Award: And the Middie goes to…  Miley Cyrus & Robin Thicke! Just when you thought you’d seen it all, these actual Middle Children gave attention seeking a whole new twist – or twerk, to be exact. Their performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards set tongues wagging – literally – and provided graphic evidence of the damaging effects of Middle Child Syndrome. It also made a strong case for why you should never let two Middle Children take the stage at the same time.

The "Pathetic Political Attention Addict" Award: And the Middie goes to…  Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! We all know that politicians will say and do just about anything to garner favor with constituents, even if what they say and do borders on the outrageous. But you have to actually cross the border to find the politician who has reached the absolute pinnacle in outrageous behavior. I don’t know what this guy’s been smoking, but his attention grabbing antics put any legitimate Middle Child to shame. (Oh wait, I do know what he’s been smoking). But on a positive note --he does a better Chris Farley than even Chris Farley.

The "Look at Me, No – Look at ME" Award: And the Middie goes to…  Kim Kardashian and Kanye West! Separately, KimYe are world class limelight lovers. Together, they’re an attention seeking celebrity mega-merger with a capital ME. Of course, that’s not to say the Bound 2 video isn’t a touching tribute to the mother of his child. (“Wanna f*** you hard on the sink; After that, give you something to drink; Step back, can't get spunk on the mink.”) To be fair, just because you’re willing to be filmed having have sex on a motorcycle or you have a track titled “I Am a God,” that doesn’t mean you love being the center of attention -- does it?

The "I Will Pretty Much Do Anything to Keep Up With My Sister" Award: And the Middie goes to…  the other Kardashian sisters! In all fairness to Kourtney and Khloe, I guess when your sister is Kim, the attention seeking bar is set awfully high, or would that be low? But if sharing with the world your misadventures in oil enemas, anal bleaching, vaginal waxing, buttsex, and breast milk guzzling isn’t award worthy, then what is!?

The "Stupidity in Spotlight Seeking" Award: And the Middie goes to…  Teresa and Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey!” Let me first say that every time I watch one of these shows, I feel a little part of my soul dying -- yet I watch anyway. Maybe it’s because knowing there are people in this world who crave attention even more than I do makes me feel better about myself? I do know this: if I was as uneducated and functionally illiterate as Joe and Teresa, even I would resist the urge to draw attention to myself. According to Teresa, the plural of “ingredients" is "ingredients-es,” some of her designer accessories are “real fake,” and someone with severe mood swings has a “Heckyll and Jyde” personality. At a court hearing, she also said that someone spreading rumors about her and Joe was violating “ethnics.” And no, she wasn’t referring to Italians. I can’t vouch for how good her cook book recipes are, but she’s really good at butchering the English language. And her husband Joe is quite the geographical genius. He thinks the capitol of New Hampshire is Rhode Island, and that the Grand Canyon is in Colorado, or maybe Oregon. His astronomy is equally out of this world. What’s the closest planet to the sun? The Moon. When informed by his fifth grader (!!) that the Moon isn’t a planet, his next guess is the planet Hercules. All of which makes you wonder what planet this guy is really on. But here’s the kicker: even though they are charged with committing dozens of acts of fraud, they still couldn’t stop seeking attention, broadcasting their overly-conspicuous consumption for the world, and federal agents, to see. Now that is some hard core attention addiction.

The "Attention Seekers Hall of Shame" Lifetime Achievement Award: And the Middie goes to…  Attention Aficionado Emeritus and Uber MidKid Donald Trump! Bogus political aspirations, unprovoked celebrity squabbles, testy Twitter tirades, Presidential birther obsessions, and media-whoring aside, this guy would still be a first ballot inductee for one simple reason: his hair! C’mon, there is no way you wear your hair like that unless you are desperately trying to seek attention. NO WAY! You cannot possibly look in the mirror and think to yourself, “This looks normal. No one will notice this.” The guy has a gazillion dollars, and you’re telling me that’s the best haircut he can get? I’m not buying it. For a lifetime of shameless self promotion and headline hoarding , we say hats off to you, Mr. Trump. Or maybe you should just put one on.

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Middle Children need to be heard!